apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
