You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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