I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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