he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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