I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize