When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Randomize
