you're like a bully in the Christmas story
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
