already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize