1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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