I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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