Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
