If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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