just come out here and I will go home with you...
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
