He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
