I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
