Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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