...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
