I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
this hospital has no fireball
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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