I think scott just propositioned me for sex
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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