im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
