hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Of course I have a pirate flag
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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