This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
