I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
