It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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