Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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