Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
