Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
