I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
