went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
