when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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