He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
