Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
