toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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