is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
