don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
