home. puking in laundry basket.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
