Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize