Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
