apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
