I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
