3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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