I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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