My hair reeks of homosexuality.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize