There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
