Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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