I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
