im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
