Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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