my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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