dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize