So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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