I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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