I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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