Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize