I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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