its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
it glows. i had to have it.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
