you're like a bully in the Christmas story
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
