i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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