I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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