my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
