so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
